In my young childhood I held Jesus very dear; he was comforting and made me happy...but in my mid-teens we started attending a church where God's anger was primarily emphasized and this screwed me up badly until at the age of 28 I threw him out completely. Filled with depression and despair were those years from 28 to 35. Slowly, very slowly, I began at age 32 to consider him again...I would take a step toward him, then in fear retreat 2 or 3 steps back. Coming out of a church where God is portrayed as pretty much bi-polar, arbitrarily cursing or blessing people, is extremely difficult and it is almost impossible to find the true Jesus after that kind of distortion. But thanks to my husband who has helped me understand Jesus as both the Emperor of the Universe and the forgiving Savior and Friend. The best way for me to understand him is to consider King Arthur in the musical
Camelot. His illegitimate son from way back comes to the kingdom to try and overthrow his father and gain the throne. When he catches Guenevere in her affair with the knight Lancelot, King Arthur's soul is catapulted into hell as he is asked by his son, "Kill the queen or kill the law?" It is his intricately laid out laws that have made his kingdom not only successful but civil as well, but it is his love for his queen that has seized his heart. He can't let go of either or else he would betray his very soul. I see Jesus like this...his holiness demands not laying an eye on evil; his love requires a sacrifice to enable forgiveness...
